The other day it occurred to me in a dream;
a dream that seemed all too familiar. A dream that my birthmother may have
worried about and a dream my mom may have dreaded. It was a dream and a thought
that could be passed onto me. I dreamed about the day when my children turn to
me and ask me why? Why don't you know your birth parents?
I figure they most likely won't understand because they are young or perhaps they are mine biologically (creating a different dynamic than what I grew up in). How do you answer a question you asked but never got the answer you wanted. An answer that you never really felt was enough or justifiable at times. Especially, when the world talks about love and how it is the strongest feeling anyone could feel. If it is as strong as they say then why was it so hard to resist when she gave me up (Isn’t love supposed to conquer all)? That is a thought that crossed my mind as a child and never left me but was later understood and better accepted. There are times I regret being harsh and cold towards a woman and mother I never knew but then times I am so warm and embracing towards a woman and mother I wish I knew. For me, as an adopted persons; my brain and heart act as a see saw. They are on the same side at times and on the polar opposites in other times making the balance a hard thing to find and attain. Sometimes that balance is achieved other times it never is. Finding it and attaining and accepting it is a part of the journey one must want to embark. And knowing that journey is never-ending is key because most likely there will never be a day that goes by that I don’t ask myself why, or how come or what if…or I wonder. It is part of me and many other adoptees whether we chose to accept it or not.
Embarking on that journey knowing that that the unknown may always be unknown and that it doesn’t make me or break me nor define me is all I need in the back of my head. If I hold onto that belief and ideology never will I let myself down in believing in finding the sought out answers. It is now that I have come to realize love does conquer all because in adoption everyone wins a little. The answer lies within love. And that…that answer is priceless and for that it allows me to be at peace (a.k.a a balanced see saw).
I figure they most likely won't understand because they are young or perhaps they are mine biologically (creating a different dynamic than what I grew up in). How do you answer a question you asked but never got the answer you wanted. An answer that you never really felt was enough or justifiable at times. Especially, when the world talks about love and how it is the strongest feeling anyone could feel. If it is as strong as they say then why was it so hard to resist when she gave me up (Isn’t love supposed to conquer all)? That is a thought that crossed my mind as a child and never left me but was later understood and better accepted. There are times I regret being harsh and cold towards a woman and mother I never knew but then times I am so warm and embracing towards a woman and mother I wish I knew. For me, as an adopted persons; my brain and heart act as a see saw. They are on the same side at times and on the polar opposites in other times making the balance a hard thing to find and attain. Sometimes that balance is achieved other times it never is. Finding it and attaining and accepting it is a part of the journey one must want to embark. And knowing that journey is never-ending is key because most likely there will never be a day that goes by that I don’t ask myself why, or how come or what if…or I wonder. It is part of me and many other adoptees whether we chose to accept it or not.
Embarking on that journey knowing that that the unknown may always be unknown and that it doesn’t make me or break me nor define me is all I need in the back of my head. If I hold onto that belief and ideology never will I let myself down in believing in finding the sought out answers. It is now that I have come to realize love does conquer all because in adoption everyone wins a little. The answer lies within love. And that…that answer is priceless and for that it allows me to be at peace (a.k.a a balanced see saw).
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