My Birthfather:Not Forgotten yet Not Spoken Of

Growing up as an adopted child it wasn’t until my high school and college years that I found and spoke of a feeling regarding my birthmother. I don’t know if this due to me being in denial, being naïve or scared to tread unknown waters. It could be accumulation of many things. Regardless of what they are I am so happy to have found that piece and peace. It is a piece that ties me together more on this journey of discovery and identification of self. Peace has been brought knowing that I can talk of her even if I didn’t know her. I can be okay with not knowing all the answers because I know that I have done all that I can do seek the answers.

It wasn’t until recently that I was exposed to the idea of birthfather. Yes, I know I have one but I never acknowledged it, took pride in him or never talked of him. I guess I thought he wasn’t as involved as I envision my birthmother was (choosing to keep her pregnancy, choosing to keep me for awhile before relinquishing me).I read that he took flight. I just don’t know when that was. Was it when he found out that my birthmother was pregnant? Was it after she gave birth to me? Was it before he knew she was pregnant? With those questions many more follow. Does he know me and that I exist? Would my story be different?

I am learning to acknowledge my birthfather. I feel in my heart a deep resonated guilt for not doing so for so long. Yet, I feel justified in feeling estranged because of knowing he left me and my birthmother. I’m learning that I may never hold my birthfather to the same light as my birthmother. That is something I’m sorting out. It’s very hard for me but I’m trying.

So with this I say that even though we may not understand the past nor at times acknowledge it; we have to accept it somehow and someway paved our way. Good or bad we are here standing, breathing and speaking. We can look up and pave our way forward or keep dragging the weight of the past with our head looking down and our words convincing our feet to move forward. Life is better lived with purpose and intent. I intend to seek peace with a new piece (my birthfather) of my journey. My purpose is so I am free of guilt and justifying means.