Confessions of a HoH Gal

Before I get started there is one thing  I must tell you.

I wrote  this based on my experiences and use my humor to get through a lot of things. I apologize if I come off offensive to anyone.

I once told someone that "I'm HoH" and their response was, "Oh Head of Household! I absolutely love that show!"   At first, I was thinking. "What the hell is this chick talking about?" She goes onto say that of all the reality shows, Big Brother is the only one she would do. I (now know what she is talking about) replied in a rather sarcastic way, "well that's not the reality I'm talking about. Shoot my reality lasts a lifetime and I can't change it at any given time. I also don't get paid 250 grand." She responded by saying, "oh honey, that's the beauty of it...not everyone can win." After an awkward silence, I replied with a half ass smile and said, "ain't that the truth" (as if I'm playing along to her stupidity and as if being Hard of Hearing was some consolation price to Hearing). Truthfully, I was thinking she was right. I did win because I have an innate ability to shut this conversation down before she can say, "did ya hear me?" Technology sure has its advantages!

On a side note, deep down I must admit I left that night thinking getting paid 250 grand to wear my hearing aid would compensate me in having to listen to all the crap I rather not do with. Shoot, I thought maybe I should start a profitable non-religious confession booth (we Catholics got to confession). Hear me out, I'd sit and listen to them (difference is they'd see me unlike stereotypical confession). I let them vent and rag on about everything and I would just smile and nod (social psychology says actions speak louder than words and that people pick up physical cues for answers before a verbal response) and not speak at all. That's a win-win for all in my non professional opinion. Don't be so haste to judge or hate me for saying what 90% of people do daily. Am I right in thinking and believing that most people really just want to talk and know someone is listening and that they really don't give a rats bottom about direction or advice. Just a thought.

Needless to say, I am Hard of Hearing (HoH) and mistakenly decided to tell this woman I was in a way she couldn't understand by saying "HoH." In my defense, she asked if I had a disability as I noted on a job application and I get tired being asked the same question over and over so I tried to "spice up" my response. It resulted in total failure not just because I didn't get the job but because how to you go from "do you have a disability" to "I love Big Brother!" in the same exact conversation? No hate towards blondes but this woman was literally a bleach blonde gal.

Next time, I'll just be straight up real, "yes, in fact, my batteries have a death sentence and I only have five lives ( batteries) left to last me until I have to pay for another six. In other words, speak up and when you speak don't make me "flip you off." I must inform you when I say, "flip you off," I am not talking about "flipping the bird." No, I am doing something more offensive, I am shutting you up and shutting you out (turning my technological device off aka my hearing aid). Surely, I would never do that in an interview but if some joe somebody asks me that'll be my elevator response.

Harsh, I know but when life gives you lemons aren't you suppose to make lemonade? In most cases, societies inability to get with the times makes me go from lemons to Mikes Hard Lemonade with a slice of humor. Take note for any reason I become an alcoholic I'd want the state to pay for my rehabilitation and sober housing. Here is my bitch and moan moment: how come the government refuses help a gal like me (NO, hearing aids are not covered by insurance). So, yes when you went out an bought you a nice Gucci bag I spend my money to buy a hearing aid ($2,000) so I can listen to you squeal about how fabulous you look with your new Gucci bag and Prada shoes. That shit aint right if you ask me. Rather a kill joy for me. But I am not about to trip about the governments shortcomings because I got much more to be thankful for (mostly though because I don't have time or energy to entertain y'all bout my thoughts about society and the government).

Something I do have all the time and energy to talk to you about is WHAT NOT TO DO when approaching me (idk bout other HoH and Deaf people we are all different but most would agree with me).

First, DO NOT come up to me and/or just stare at my ear(s). Do I come up to you and stare at your zits or moles? Hell No! So don't do it to me. In middle school whilst eating my lunch with some friends I noticed from the corner of my eye this boy was just staring and glaring at me. So after a while it got old. So what did I do? I slid next to him and said, " I know I am beautiful but if you keep staring my beauty might blind ya... just thought as you do have a test next hour and I wouldn't want you to fail that because me." He and his friend were stone faced quiet and possibly didn't get my humor. He them mumbled to me sheepishly that he just wanted to know what was in my ear and I turned to him and kindly told him what it was and we went about business. See how my humor helps.
Another time, similar situation but I responded differently. In high school a younger classman asked me what was in my ear. I told him, "You don't want to know." He asked why and I said well its a torture device. He looked at me and laughed and then said seriously, "how so?" As I told him my parents don't want me around stupid people and people who speak poorly of themselves and others. So in order to raise me right as they say I have to wear this and it allows them to hear all my convos with others. When they don't like something I get zapped. Getting zapped means I need to walk away from them." He is just looking puzzled and is silent. To break the silence, I yelped, "Ouch" clutching my ear as if I got electrocuted and begin to walk away. He asks me why I am walking away and I tell him as I am pointing at my ear, "Zapped." Cruel, I know but years of bullying and taunting kind plays a role. I did go up to him later that day to tell him it was all a joke and explained myself and what it was in my ear. I figure, I may not have two ears but my humor makes up for it.

Secondly, DO NOT come up to me and start enunciating words in silence and slow motion. Newsflash, you look stupid and I'd rather watch a silent film starring Charlie Chaplin then look at you doing whatever it is you think your doing. Bless your heart for misunderstandings. I have had this numerously happen to me it never dulls me. I usually just respond in the same manner they do. It's funny when they say, "I am not Deaf" and I reply "neither am I" (their own realization of their ignorance makes me laugh).

Thirdly, (very closely related to #2) DO NOT come up to me and start shouting and/or talking to me very loud. Like I said, it costs me money to hear! My batteries die a little more every time I turn my aids on and when you start getting loud you put my batteries into overdrive! No joke! In addition, I only have so much hearing ability, do not be the person I curse for the rest of my life because you blew my only eardrum out (or all that's left of it)! If anyone's going to take that honor it will be gladly given to Mariah Carey who I know would start whistling and singing beautifully! Or it'd be me at the Superbowl! If I have control of what  the last thing I hear is it has to be memorable (no offense you don't the cake).

 Fourth, DO NOT come up to me happily shaking the "I Love You" hand sign and then excitedly tell me you know sign language (verbally). More than 90% of the time this happens to me its random people. So with that said, I don't know you and how could you possibly love me? Secondly, don't be embarrassed when I sign something back to you and you don't know what was signed (you're fault leading me to believe you knew sign language). I will not indulge you with details of what I sign back. I always sign back who are you? I honestly think sometimes that they are closeted trekkie trying to communicate with a fellow Trekkie! I do come in peace but it will be broken if you don't step off... just saying.


Last, but not least, DO NOT respond to me after I tell you I am hard of hearing or assume before you know I am hard of hearing that my form of communication is through writing. I literally had someone pull out a small notebook to communicate with me. I just looked at them and said, "lets be environmentally conscious and just use verbal communication. You know save the trees because tree hugging is widely excepted these days." They stood there quietly confused still pushing the notebook my way. That was my cue to walk away and call it a day.

If I had a received a penny for every shocked/confused look I have received over my lifetime thus far I'd be rich or close to it. Or perhaps it'd pay off my hearing aid bill.

You know speaking of hearing aid. I often ask myself who is it really aiding? My family will be the first to tell you its them( but my mom would say it benefits me). As for my friends would say the same but almost 50% of the time I am with them I don't wear my hearing aid because of numerous reasons (for which I'll cover later). Here is my theory on whom the aids aid. I theorize they aid the hearing people more. I said it and I'll say it again. They aid the hearing people more than myself.

I don't like or rather more so prefer not to wear my hearing aids at home mainly because I get so overwhelmed with noise (I know rather weird as I am hard of hearing) because the hearing aids are so powerful and amplify things to an extreme for me.  So with that said I think its fair to say my name is the most used word in the house! "Kyla, Kyla, Kyyyllllaaa...did you hear me?" as for "Where's the hot sauce" comes in second. I think that nobody likes to feel ignored so I understand why my family and friends would be upset over me not wearing my hearing aids (but in honestly I still miss out on things often with my aid). However, I think most people that I have had these experiences with just get tired of having to explain more than once or repeat themselves over and over. I get it, but think how I feel saying what all time or get the feeling or impression I am not important enough to repeat to. If I could create a device for hearing people to wear that would record what they say simultaneously I would. That way instead of you going all Tom Cruise on me about what I should and shouldn't do... all I have to do is push replay and it'd go straight to my hearing aid (thus it would aid me and keep you less annoyed). The downsides are who'd wear it and the conversations would be dull and unnatural. So, bear with me as I bear with you.

To my friends and family, the reasons for not wearing my hearing aids are:
- Simon Cowell told me your voice is rather dreadful...I'm just doing my ear a favor
- You talk to much and too fast hence I find myself trying figure out what rapper you are trying emulate
or I am trying pick out what soundtrack best fits you
- You are so boring  that I end up just sitting there and entertaining myself guessing what your saying
a.k.a "lip charades"

I'll leave you to guess what category you belong in.

Kidding aside, I truly in a weird way am able to focus more on you and what you are saying when we are in loud environments or in large rooms (where sound travels far away from ear). So in a way I am paying you respect (I am shutting the world around us up and saying whats up to you).

Now, as you all probably have heard through myself or others, I do lip read. Keep in mind its like speed reading with a dose of dyslexia. I claim no perfection when it comes to lip reading but do in fact know its more natural than you'd like to think. I am prone to accuracy when talking is natural and not slowed down. With that said, don't assume I should hear everything because I lip read nor assume I heard everything because I lip read. I tell you this so you don't get your undies in wad and lose your cool with me when I say "what" or "Can you repeat that" or embarrassingly reply with an off the wall/ non-topic related response.

Now that we talked about lip reading there is one more DO NOT thing to add to the list above. DO NOT cover your mouth or look in a direction I can't see your mouth. I don't have super powers to see through objects that obscure your mouth or other things (I probably and most likely would like to keep it that way if given the ability because I don't want to see something I'm not suppose to). I also don't have wings to fly in all directions to keep up with your mouth. What comes out it matters to me so look at me when you are talking.

Now onto a more embarrassing topic: mix ups. This entails what was said and how I the HoH gal heard it. Bare with me I am more embarrassed than you can know but it sure makes for interestingly good entertainment for you.

1. Songs and Lyrics: I do love me some music and great beats to dance to. But I sure have my "what the hell" moments. Here are a two mishaps and surely not the last.

"Whoomp There It Is" made famous by Tag Team ( I first heard in the early 90's) as a child you have understand I was innocent and naive as well as oblivious to vocabulary. One day at day care, I was sitting at table doing legos with my friends Kyle (I had a crush on him because I liked that his name was like Kyla only with an e at the end) and Kenny. I started singing, "Whoomp There It Is," out loud and all the sudden I got put in time out and the boys started laughing at me. I clearly did not know why I was being reprimanded for singing (this before I realized I shouldn't sing because I can't sing thou it couldn't be the reason why I was reprimanded bc do they really reprimand bad singing). Little did I realize it was because I was signing the song wrong. I proudly and confidently was singing part of the song as follows:

Let me hear you pray
whup their ass, whup their ass

In real:
Let me hear you say
Whoomp there it is, Whoomp there it is

Now I know over 10 years later why I was in timeout, oops! Thanks Google!

"Waterfalls" made famous by TLC (90's) well I can tell you I was obsessed with this group and wanted to be the fourth girl! I got excited that Chili was on Sally Jessy Raphael (didn't care why) and I noticed it before my younger sister, Kaiti (yeah I admit I take pride in rather weird things). Anyways, the songs chorus begins with saying, "Don't go chasing waterfalls," I for the longest time always sang, "Don't go Jason Waterfalls." I thought that was the coolest name in the world. I mean Waterfalls as a last name how awesome. I used to get mad at Kaiti because she'd always give me dirty looks and tell me to stop singing. Now, I realize it was her nice way of saying "wrong lyrics." To this day she never fails to remind me the "correct" words. In my dreams there will always be "Jason Waterfalls."

"She Ain't You" made famous by Chris Brown. The main part where he sings, "No, she ain't you" I thought he was saying, "Oh she hate you" well that isn't right obviously lol. I was like why does she hate me? What'd I do? Google and I had a little rendezvous and I found out she don't hate me she just ain't me.

2. Conversations/ words misinterpreted and mispronounced

I once went on a blind date with a guy and our mutual friends. I was wearing my hearing aid and was sitting next to him and my girlfriend was sitting across from me next to her friend. This guy who shall be nameless out of respect was talking and I was doing my best to hear every word without have to call time out and ask for a replay. Anyways, after he stopped talking he and the other guy went to the bar to grab drinks. My girlfriend asked me, "Isn't he great!?" I looked at her thinking you must be joking! I said to her why would she set me up with a guy who openly admits to sneaking out at night with three hos? And what did that have to do with him once being overweight? I told her I thought he was well in shape and nowhere overweight and a big perv! She looked at me and started laughing! I just stared confused. She quickly told me before the guys came back that he was saying he used to sneak out at night with Cheetos and that's how he got to be so overweight overtime. Imagine how embarrassed I felt but how much more mortified I'd be if I responded to him without know that info? She sure saved me! I congratulated him when he came back and said that hard work paid off and that Cheetos can be your demise (so can hos). Here is an example of why wearing a hearing aid doesn't always help neither does lip reading.

In daycare kids knew I had a hearing loss (some older ones) and used to set me up to get in trouble by saying inappropriate things. One being the pronunciation of China. I think you know where I am going with this (not ch but g) ...they told me that's how you say it and I did one time and then I had to sit in time out and miss recess. No worries, I caught on quickly to their antics.

Another word to this day that seem to mispronounce is headache. I never say the a sound at the end but more an ick sound. Ask me to say it I say it proudly with an ick at the end. It drives my sister Kaiti mad but she can't say specific so we are even.

As for phone conversation there are too many to write about but here are some interesting ones:

Phone Call #1
Actual Statement:
I think he's really tall!
Me:
I don't think he'll  really call
Their Response:
You don't!? Why?
Me:
Wait did you say tall or call?
Their Response:
Don't change the subject!
Me: What is the subject?

Phone Call #2
Actual Statement:
How!
Me: What happened are you ok?
Their Response:
Yes, I am fine. Now How?
Me: Why do you keep hurting yourself? Stop doing what your doing!

Phone Call #3
Actual Statement:
I love your eyes
Me: No actually I can't lie and don't like dishonesty. Why would you think I'd lie and why do love liars?
Their Response:
How'd we get from Eyes to Lies?
Me: When did we talk about eyes?

My phone calls sure explain why I like texting so I don't run into mix up like those above.

3. Misc.

I have had the displeasure of hearing things I did not want to hear. All through school I have had FM systems (a teacher wears a mic that is connected directly to my hearing aid). With these systems on occasion I'd pick up radio signals thus all of the sudden so polka music was coming through whilst I'm tying to learn about Rosa Parks. Or some radio show host would be talking whilst I'm trying to sing in choir (I started singing what she was saying in class). We were singing Xmas carols and all the sudden I started singing something about how books can be misleading and we need to sign a new peace treaty (trust me my teacher was not happy because we had to start over after she realized I was singing wrong). I think she thought I was doing it on purpose. Who cares right!?

In high school, I sitting in government class taking a test. We had a substitute teacher that day and he took the mic to the bathroom. To my dismay I heard him go to the bathroom and it was no going in and out in a jiffy (naw it was a sit down and hear the plunk plunk in the toilet...gross on so many levels). I remember my classmate asking why I looked disgusted and she laughed upon hearing. To this day it is in the year book for most embarrassing story I believe.

One last story of the notorious FM system. I had a phy. ed. class ( I won't disclose what grade for privacy reasons) and the FM was brought into the office of the teachers and I overheard them disclosing private info regarding one of them leaving their spouse and how they cheated on their spouse. I thought I was just picking up another radio host...but usually its pretty transparent whats radio and not. I felt so bad going to retrieve the FM from my teacher. When I asked for it back, they asked me if it was turned off? To save them embarrassment I said yes.

Well I guess this is rather a long confession...I can't imagine if I said this to a priest? Oh yes I can,  I once gave a priest at confession a battery of mine for his hearing aid and he said bless you and I told him it was a divine intervention (we HoH peeps got to stick together). Huh? Come to think of it I was helping him help me. I paid myself to get saved and sanctified (You Catholics would get that humor).

I could honestly tell you much more and grill y'all more but whats the fun in that? I just thought this would be fun and informational. I hope you got a chuckle out of it cause I sure laughed a lot while writing it. A lot people ask me if I am mad about being HoH and always say I don't know better but that I am blessed to have what I have and I cannot complain really.

I do want to shout out to all my friends and family who remain patient and love me unconditionally. I give y'all gray hairs but know I do appreciate you.

Much Love,
Ky